Sexy Mature Torrie

Super Market Mistake
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
” Christ!” he says “are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
” Don’t worry, ya ,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”

CLICK HERE
Get On Board!

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No”, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No”, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said “Have you ever been f**ked?”
The fellow said “No”,
She said “You will be when the tide comes in”

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde!”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh,I’m sorry.” She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
” I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston ”

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry.”

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activity’s for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, you’re looking good, how are they treating you?”
 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”